


love is

by aurora_chiroptera



Series: Magnus, Catarina, Ragnor Chronicles (stories stand alone) [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Canon Compliant, Families of Choice, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 15:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21163682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurora_chiroptera/pseuds/aurora_chiroptera
Summary: Catarina faces the fact that she may lose Magnus only months after losing Ragnor.Set during 3.16 Stay With Me.





	love is

Catarina found an empty corner of the Institute and let herself sink to the floor. The tears she had been willing not to fall in front of Alec streamed down her face and she choked on the sobs building in her chest. Magnus was so weak... so close to death. He was hanging on, but if he used magic even once more...

Catarina pulled her legs up, holding them to her chest. Pressing forehead to her knees, she tried to get herself to breathe. She worked around death everyday, watched people die after she'd fought to keep them alive. But this was different. This was Magnus. And it cut so much deeper because all she wanted to do was run to Ragnor. But Ragnor wasn't there to catch her or come to the rescue.

Ragnor would have been able to get Magnus to see sense, to give up the magic poisoning his system. But Ragnor also wouldn't have let Lorenzo stop him from helping Magnus. He'd have stared Lorenzo down. He would have taken the mantle of High Warlock of Brooklyn himself if he had too, no matter how much he would have hated it. 

It made Catarina feel helpless. Worthless. She hadn’t been able to save Ragnor and now she might not be able to save Magnus.

With aching ribs, she let herself cry harder, trying to purge the wound. Catarina didn't know how to face it. The possibility of a world without either Ragnor or Magnus. She'd known them most of her life, they stepped in to be the family she’d outlived.

She couldn't let Alec see her, couldn't let Madzie. They both needed someone safe to cling to, more than she needed a shoulder to cry on. Catarina needed to pull herself together for them and Magnus. She needed to make sure she didn't lose Magnus too. Because that would be a world she couldn't imagine. Without either Ragnor or Magnus, she'd have lost some of her closest family. No one is supposed to face that in a matter of months. No one should.

Digging in the pocket of her scrubs, Catarina found the tissues she carried. But trying to stop the tears seemed an impossible task and her mouth tasting of dull salt. She needed to go back, she needed to check on Magnus before she left for work. She needed to move, to outrun this, to survive.

"Catarina?" a voice asked, and she jumped, wiping her face more furiously. She didn't want to be caught in a moment of weakness in the heart of enemy territory. Looking up, she was able to make out Simon, the little vampire Raphael so liked to complain about. Well, at least it wasn't a shadowhunter.

Pushing herself up, Catarina magicked her face so that it was clean and that she had subtle makeup. "Sorry, I need to be getting back."

Simon was watching her, face twisting. "Are you okay? No-” he held up a hand before she could answer “-silly question. Can I get you anything?"

Catarina shook her head at the young one. He didn't know yet, the way your immortal friends and you just assumed you would get to go on forever together. Getting to run into each other every few decades and spending others living in the same home. The way it just felt like a fact of reality that they would always be out there. And the way it feels like your whole world changes when they die, because how are you supposed to heal the hole through your life and the forever of the future you were supposed to explore side by side?

"Thank you though," Catarina managed after a moment, pressing a hand against his shoulder as she walked past him.

"Magnus will be okay," Simon offered, voice so sure.

Catarina only nodded, throat tight as she stopped another sob. She hurried down the halls back to Magnus. She would stay by his side as long as she could. She was going to make the difference for him that she couldn't for Ragnor. She wasn't going to let them leave her all alone. She was born to be a fighter through her healing, and she was going to fight like hell for Magnus.


End file.
